


happiness slips, sadness lingers

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Wedding, angst happens when im sad, this happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-27
Updated: 2012-12-27
Packaged: 2017-11-22 14:45:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/610968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Yeah and I have to like her, and I have to tell him how much I support this and tell him that he’s going to be a great husband to her that she deserves him more than I do… I have to do many things that I don’t want to do and it’s okay right because that’s what you do when you love someone. You sacrifice… who’s going to sacrifice for me?” Niall asks staring at Liam and Liam sighs swallowing. Niall scoffs because of course Liam doesn’t know about that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	happiness slips, sadness lingers

**Author's Note:**

> Personal Tumblr: http://ilike-boys-likeyou.tumblr.com/  
> Narry&Ziam Tumblr: http://narryandziam-makemehappy.tumblr.com/

Niall gets the news via Twitter. He’s sitting in his room eating a sandwich he made himself and whilst eating the sandwich all he can think is that Harry could do it so much better! Anyways Niall’s in his room and his phone chimes and he knows one of the boys have tweeted something. He has it operated so that he’ll know when the boys are on Twitter so he’s not left out on anything.

It’s Harry and Niall drops the sandwich when he sees the tweet, sees everything that he thought they had go to shit because right now? Is Harry really doing this, Niall puts the phone down slowly, and he has the urge to eat more food.

That was always his problem, while some people lost their appetite when they were upset Niall just didn’t. He ate more, filling the void of sadness with greasy food and sweets that weren’t doing anything for his body just giving him a lifetime supply of diabetes.

Niall shoves the sandwich in his mouth and doesn’t taste it; his mouth has this sour taste in it and he jumps up and walks to the kitchen. He rummages around and just starts eating because he doesn’t want to think of Harry and… her and know that they are so perfect.

Niall doesn’t want to see him so happy because he has her and Niall should be the one to make him smile like that, not some blonde country bimbo who sings about teardrops on guitars and white horses.

His phone rings and he knows it’s one of the boys, not Harry. Harry’s probably celebrating with her, they’re probably looking at wedding magazines and Niall can’t take it! He can’t take the fact that he just held everything in and the only one who ever mattered or counted in this shit world is getting married!

He shoves whipped cream in his mouth and he thinks, maybe that’s why Harry doesn’t love him because he’s fat and crude. He shoves chips and cookies, he bites his lip, he tastes blood, and he thinks maybe that’s why Harry doesn’t hug him, because he doesn’t feel as good as she does.

Everything aches and the food is gone and Niall grabs his car keys and just runs out the door. Some girls who were hanging ambush him outside his house and he doesn’t give a shit anymore because he’s mauling the girls over just to get them away! He needs to get away!

He drives with his Michael Buble CD blasting, Michael is singing about love and losing it, and being with it and Niall is going to be sick! But he just drives and he drives and he most definitely doesn’t think about green eyes full of laughter, he doesn’t! Because he’s not like that and he’s not going to punish himself with memories that don’t mean shit.

Niall drives until he sees the sun setting and he’s happy he left his phone at home, because he wouldn’t have been able to stand Zayn’s deep fortuneteller words, Liam’s sympathetic phrases and Louis happy and trying not to see that Niall was hurting. Niall was just not going to let that happen.

Eventually he drives back to his house and he’s happy they’re on vacation so the guys aren’t around him, so that they can’t see everything he has inside and he feels empty and he wants something to stuff himself with but he made a mess upon his kitchen.

He drags himself into his room, his phone is buzzing, and everything is too much! Wordlessly, he grabs his phone and slams it repeatedly over the floor and watches it become nothing just like Niall.

He gets into his bed and he tries to fall asleep but all he can think of is him and it’s like a mantra and he hates that he can’t forget and he knows that even if he had told Harry, had voiced what he felt it wasn’t going to change anything. Nothing at all.

~~

Liam is there the next day looking worried and Niall doesn’t know what to say when Liam’s in his kitchen and just…watching. Niall pads around the kitchen, trying to find something to keep him busy but there is nothing since his housekeeper came early to clean and he just sets his head on the counter.

“Niall.” Liam says in that voice, the one that is everything Liam and full of worry and ache. Niall’s heart hurts like a bitch and he just shakes his head,

“Leave it Liam.” He says and Liam scoffs,

“No. You’re hurting.” And it’s Niall’s turn to scoff,

“When aren’t I?” He asks looking Liam dead in the eye. Liam is silent looking deflated and sad but not as bad as Niall looks… as Niall feels.

“Niall, you have to be happy for him.” Liam says and Niall nods,

“Yeah and I have to like her, and I have to tell him how much I support this and tell him that he’s going to be a great husband to her that she deserves him more than I do… I _have_ to do many things that I don’t _want_ to do and it’s okay right because that’s what you do when you love someone. You sacrifice… who’s going to sacrifice for me?” Niall asks staring at Liam and Liam sighs swallowing. Niall scoffs because of course Liam doesn’t know about that.

Liam has Zayn Liam’s always had Zayn. From the first time, they laid eyes on each other on the X-Factor it was like yeah we’re going to be together forever, they weren’t sacrificing anything except for time to wank each other if in the bathrooms.

“I’m really sorry.” Liam says and Niall just shrugs,

“Well… thanks.” He says and he doesn’t know why he thanks him, maybe it’s for coming but it doesn’t matter anyways even if Liam hadn’t come Niall would still feel the way he does… shit!

“Where’s your phone? We’ve been trying to contact you.” Liam says and Niall shrugs,

“Gone.” And Liam just stares at him than swallows,

“Niall… don’t do this to yourself… not now.” Liam says and Niall scoffs,

“Of course you’d say that… you don’t get it Liam, you live in this fucked up black and white world where everything is Zayn and perfection but you don’t see what I see. I see hurt and pain for myself but happiness for others and I want their happiness, I don’t envy it I just thrive for it but every time I feel like maybe I’m reaching it… he does something and we’re back to square one.” Niall says and Liam stares at him,

“I see it too.” He whispers and Niall shrugs,

“Yeah well… you aren’t dying from it.”

~~

Their vacation is over and they all have to drive to London to start talking about music, concerts, and everything good. Niall is the first to get to the studio in London and he just kind of sits there with his guitar around his neck, strums, and pathetically sings cheesy lyrics.

He doesn’t hear Harry come in and most definitely doesn’t feel Harry watching him but when Harry clears his throat Niall sees him… Niall’s always seen Harry always seen the extra layer of skin that Harry wore.

“That sounded nice.” Harry says and Niall shrugs,

“Congrats.” Is the first thing out of his mouth and Harry just stares at him with those calculating green eyes than he nods,

“Thanks… Taylor’s happy… I’m happy.” He adds the last part quickly, like it’s an afterthought and Niall doesn’t think about it. Niall just nods and turns around, willing himself not to look at Harry.

“Well have fun in your happiness.” Niall states and he realizes the edge in his voice before he can swallow it. Harry says nothing; he just pulls up a chair and sits next to him.

“We don’t know who the best man is yet. I’m exercising the idea of using all of you guys, I mean it’s not really fair right to use one but not the others?” Harry voices it as a question and Niall shrugs,

“Yeah… sure.” But Niall doesn’t want to be a part of this big fat British/Country Bumpkin wedding because really he’s halfway done with the wedding and it’s only been yesterday since it was announced.

“It’s going to be in Tennessee her hometown, she really loves it.” Harry keeps talking and Niall doesn’t know if he’s saying real words because they sound so dead and Niall nods,

“Great. Can’t wait to buy my suit.” And Harry nervously chuckles and there goes Niall’s sanity. Niall refuses to look at Harry though, not now. Not when he’s having a war with his heart, he’s happy his logical mind has won over and not his foolish heart.

“I tried to call you.” Harry says and Niall shrugs,

“Phone’s gone.” Just like me and everything we ever had, Niall thinks. Nothing happens after that because the boys are there suddenly and Harry’s being congratulated and he’s smiling. Niall’s playing his guitar softly in the corner and each of the guys give him sorry looks but what are they to do, leave Harry because Niall’s having a breakdown? Of course not.

~~

Taylor comes to London and Niall can’t stand seeing her perfect face, kissing Harry. She has long monkey arms that drape around Harry’s neck and she giggles like a schoolgirl every time anyone brings up the wedding. Than she says, she wants to speak to all of the guys alone and Niall thinks what difference does it make?

Louis goes first and when they come back, she’s laughing with him like they’ve been best friends for ten years and then some. Then it’s Zayn and they share looks like oh they have secrets and with Liam it’s like how those girls have a gay best friend and Niall’s about to be sick. Harry is absolutely grinning and he’s just so happy and Niall should want this for Harry… happiness and he does. He never wants Harry sad but he’s dying here.

_Man down call the paramedics._

Niall walks to the little hotel room alone with Taylor, secluded from the rest of them and she smiles.

“I love him.” Is the first thing she says and Niall rubs the back of his neck because what does she expect from him? Does she expect him to jump up and down, and go, “girl you’re going to be together forever!” And Niall doesn’t like lying even though he’s gotten quite good at it so he remains to silence. “What do you think Niall?” She asks staring at him with those blue eyes,

“He loves you too.” Niall says and he’s right, Harry does love her.

_It seems like his heart can’t take this much heart break_

Taylor smiles, “Yeah?” And Niall just nods and she grins, “Thanks.” Niall stares at her,

“Are we done?” And she looks baffled by his sudden urgency and she nods slowly. They walk out of the room slowly without looking at each other and the tension is palpable.

~~

The engagement party is like one of those things out of a dream, where the main character kind of floats and that’s what Niall does. He floats around everything, looks at all these happy faces, and keeps to himself.

He sits at the bar and Harry catches his eye way to many times, in that questioning way and Niall doesn’t want to look at him.

Vodka is strong, like the hold Harry used to have on his heart and Harry doesn’t have his heart anymore he dropped it.

Niall drinks, he drinks, and he drinks, he drinks til he sees two of everything and he almost goes crazy because if one Harry wasn’t enough there’s two. He drinks and he sees Taylor lean over and press her glossed lips to Harry’s, Niall gets up and walks out.

He still has the bottle in his hand and he drinks when he walks into his car but he doesn’t start it, he just sits there and wants to know… why?

The passenger door opens and Niall’s pretty sure he’s had too many because Harry is there and he looks angry.

“Why’d you leave?” He asks and Niall shrugs,

“Why’d you?” He questions back but he really means “why’d you leave me and us, and I know what we had wasn’t much but it was something and I want to know what I did wrong” but he doesn’t and Harry shrugs,

“It’s no fun without you.” He mutters and Niall laughs,

“Well you’re going to be marrying Taylor and you’re doing it without me so it’s gonna be fun.” Harry stares at him and shakes his head,

“Are you not happy that we’re getting married?” Harry asks and Niall laughs,

“Harry remembering fucking me two months before the proposal? Because I do.” Niall says and there he just said it, Harry fucked him and left. Harry knew Niall loved him and he came to him, the easiest one and just did the deed. And then he was back with Taylor the next day.

“Ni-,” Harry starts but Niall cuts him off,

“Shut the fuck up you wanker.” Niall says bitterly rolling his head back. He doesn’t want to listen to Harry talk about how much he didn’t mean it.

“Please.” Harry says and Niall looks at him,

“Get the fuck out of my car.”

“You aren’t driving like this.” Harry says and Niall shrugs,

“Why drive when there’s nowhere to go?” Niall asks and Harry stares at him with tears in his eyes, than Niall throws up all over his stupid expensive suit.

~~

Niall takes off two days later without warning. He goes to this small town in Florida where nobody knows him and he hides out in a motel. He doesn’t have a phone so nobody calls him and he doesn’t go on the internet. He somewhat just… stops being Niall.

He meets these people (hippies) and they don’t care that he’s an international superstar; they sing songs and listen to indie records. They laugh at weird jokes and call Niall “Four-Leaf” all the time.

And maybe Niall is fooling himself into forgetting about Harry but shortly he does and it’s happiness… bliss.

~~

He goes back 6 months later and its shit. Everybody gets on him, management is going crazy, the fans are sending him everything imaginable and really, he doesn’t give a shit about anything anymore.

 Harry just stares at him with those eyes and he tries to get Niall alone but Niall’s already done, he’s past caring. The numbing pain and shoving food in his face is the best feeling ever.

~~

The wedding happens a month later. Harry looks at Niall with those eyes and mouths please the day after and Niall doesn’t know why his heart stutters because he’s so past caring.

~~

The wedding happens and Taylor’s beautiful in her white dress and Niall thinks maybe she can write a song about him, about a blonde boy who watched too many movies and thought maybe love existed, numbed the pain and walked away from everything… maybe he could talk to her when the wedding was over.

Harry looked so beautiful, like everything was happiness right there in his face and Niall stood there on his side as a best man and he was so prepared to turn around and walk out but he doesn’t.

~~

Niall spirals out of control, his eating isn’t healthy, he has to go to this hospital, and the boys try to talk to him.

Harry talks to him and looks at him with those eyes, those ones that express everything he couldn’t say.

“Niall.” Harry whispers the first time and Niall kind of shrugs,

“They say I’m out of control.” Niall whispers and Harry touches his waist,

“Yeah well.” Is all he says and Niall just gives him a wry smile,

“How’s the married life going?” Niall asks and Harry shakes his head,

“Niall- don’t do this. I know… I know that you aren’t happy and I know I fucked up, please don’t try to act like this is okay when it’s obviously not.” Harry says and Niall shrugs,

“So what? It’s not going to change anything.” Niall says and Harry stares at him,

“Just because I married her doesn’t mean I didn’t choose you.” Harry whispers and Niall shrugs,

“Kind of does mate. She’s Mrs. Harry Styles dude.” Niall says not looking into Harry’s eyes.

“But…” And Harry trails off and Niall scoffs,

“Don’t say anything Harry, it’s over now.” Niall says and Harry just swallows,

“Remember when I first met you and we made a fort out of sheets because we were scared of being One Direction, we didn’t know what would come of it. You talked all night and you said so many things, so many things that should mean shit but they don’t. Like how you have a slight case of dyslexia and you get nervous even at things you’re good at, how you miss your friend Sean because you guys could be goofy together. You said that you want to be like your parents when you grow up… happy. And I thought… wow. And you just were shining okay and you were beautiful and everything about you oozed happy and I wanted to be the reason for the happiness, the reason for you. So I realized that maybe you liked me back and I just… went crazy. Remember the first time we kissed, we were at the Christmas party. The first Christmas as One Direction and you were slightly tipsy and we were both under the mistletoe and I just reached in. And your face was something I could never get out of my head but then the next day I didn’t keep you and I should’ve kept you because you deserve so much better than me. I took advantage of the love you were giving me because I could and I’m so sorry, I’m sorry that I’m shit at being perfect.” Harry finished and Niall just stared and sighed,

“Well… thanks.” Because Niall felt like everything in him was on fire because Harry wasn’t allowed to do this! He wasn’t allowed to take everything Niall was than come here acting as if he didn’t mess with Niall’s head, it wasn’t fair! It wasn’t fair yet Niall let it happen, “go home to Taylor.” Niall said and Harry looked at him,

“Are you ever going to forgive me?” Harry asked and Niall shrugged,

“I don’t know Harry… I’m just happy you’re happy.” Niall finished and Harry swallowed,

“And what if I’m not?”

“Then get happy because Harry you don’t ask a ghost how to start living if they’re dead just like you don’t ask someone who’s sad how to get happy because well they don’t know.” Niall stated and Harry swallowed,

“I love you.” He whispered and Niall smiled,

“Well… I love you too.” Niall whispered back and Harry stood up and just like all of those before him, he walked out and Niall was not even going to hold on anymore because they said all they needed to say.

And all the dust was fading to grey and everything was… gone.

 _Here is the repeated image of the lover destroyed_  

**Author's Note:**

> the quote at the end is by Richard Siken


End file.
